Stages of relationship within a Marriage

Stage 1

Two people unite gradually (marriage). Your lives and personalities combines, and intense bonding between the two lovers occur. The purpose of this stage is attachment. To allow for the merger two main transactions happen:

Similarities are magnified

We all have some similarities, depending on your Biological, Psychological, social and spiritual characteristics some couples may have more than others. It is important to know, in stage one we increase, intensify and amplify these similarities. This is not a process of deliberately lying to each other; it is neuro-chemically induced and is of utmost importance for attachment. It is to be human and being in the moment.

“We enjoy all the same activities”,

“All our interests are so similar”

“We enjoy the same movies, like to eat at the exact same restaurants”

Differences are overlooked!

We are all unique individuals; we have our own way of doing things. Your way of behaving, interacting and daily living could be perfect ADULT that is behaviors thoughts and feelings appropriate to reality. It might just be different from your partner.

In Stage 1 we overlook these differences.

She/he loads the dishwasher in an unorganized manner – (it’s ok)

She/he leaves the empty glass or bowl on the table (its ok I will take it away in any case)

At this point in a relationship 2 people are delighted by their closeness and how they have so many activities and feelings in common. People are captivated and excited by their similarities and warmed by the sameness they are sharing. Individuality gets blurred.

Attributes of Stage 1

Passion

There is a great deal of powerful and compelling emotions, strong sexual desires. This passion is a significant part of attachment.

Reciprocal giving and receiving

The relation in which one acts, feels balanced. It feels like it is given appropriately in return. The amount of support and encouragement is high. We nurture each other on a biological, psychological and social level; this nurturing is the highest
attraction of this phase.

Requests for change is minimal

You enjoy your lover/Partner just the way he/she is. You don’t feel the urge to tell him/her to change the way they are. Efforts are made to accommodate and please each other We will go out of our way to accommodate the wants and needs of the other person we ask the very important 4 questions almost in a natural way:

  • What do you want?
  • What do you need?
  • What do you think?
  • What do you feel?

The Child within us feels responded to at so many levels that it makes it easy to give unconditionally to the other person.

Not one of the partners wants to risk upsetting this wonderful state of affairs by appearing to be selfish, ungiving or insensitive.

The Agreement to form a couple is clear. The foundation if all of the above happened is solid and allows each partner to move to the second Stage. When the foundation is not successfully established both partners may remain in Stage 1. Usually the relationship will evolve into one of 2 different forms of dysfunctional union.

Marriage counselling will allow you to explore the stage you are in. There is specific techniques based on every stage.

by Louw Alberts